On my way to the train station. Suddenly, a thought comes up: ”Did I take my phone?” My hands are moving (fast speed) to the pockets of my coat. Nothing. I open my coat and touch the pockets of my sweater. The moment I feel the square sides of my phone, a feeling of peacefulness arises.
Deike Louise, what is happening?
The relationship with my phone got to a point of ‘unhealthy’. I like to be independent, yet I am not independent at all if it comes to this bloody square plastic thing. The fear of missing out is real. My meditations are not that deep anymore. It feels I need to meditate the whole day to make up for the ongoing stimuli. I would say that I am quite discplined. But, am I really? I find it so hard, not checking messages. Not replying instantly to friends. They are expecting an answer, right? And it keeps on going. I reply, they reply. I reply, they reply. Ongoing communication and it does not stop.
Disconnecting for a while results in a restless feeling. Why does it not make me feel more calm? Going from lots of stimuli in a day to 50% or even 0%, is hardcore. I feel anxious, nervous. Bored. What to do with my time? So why not grabbing the phone anyway? Respond to messages, write new messages. Stay connected, right?
But what about the most important connection? The one with myself?
It’s fading away. How do I notice this? Making decisions is becoming harder. I doubt myself constantly. Once I made a decision, about ten minutes later I make another one. I am constantly thinking in scenarios. How will Decision A turn out? How will Decision B turn out? What will be the best decision? I do my research, using Google, getting ‘inspired’ by social media. Lots of stimuli. Giving my brain some fuel to progress, right? Adding some more, by also asking family and friends. Finding myself sitting at home, exhausted and stressed. And, what do you think? Did I make a decision or not? I notice a lack of creativity and being easily ‘annoyed’. It’s tough to fully relax. I notice that my body is constantly tensed, even slightly.
Is a solid, peaceful connection with yourself not the foundation for everything?
This connection with my phone is causing complete disconnection with myself. And is a solid, peaceful connection with yourself not the foundation for everything? Also for real-life connections with others?
It’s time for detoxification. Big time.