I always had the idea that some people simply know what they want to be in life. Like, be a doctor. Or be a manager. I never had a clear idea of who I wanted to be. And it felt wrong, like a failure. I had to know, right? Perhaps this is where everything started. I desperately wanted to have an answer. Like all these other people. It made me restless. Incomplete.
I tried out so many things. I stopped, tried something else. I told myself and others that ‘my way’ is to try things out, experience them, feel them.
Did I feel better trying out so many things, less restless? No, on the contrary.
This restless feeling resulted in breathing issues, poor sleep and over-analyzing every possible situation. I did not have much confidence in myself and making decisions was the hardest thing ever. I guess I was afraid to loose time, waste time. Even more than I already did. Looking for this damn answer.
Beginning of 2018 I went to my first yoga class. Tears of relief and happiness once I felt a calm breathing all the way down to my belly. This reconnection with natural breathing was the main reason why I kept going. Yoga caught my interest and in October 2018 I went to Ubud for a yoga teacher training. Not with the aim to teach, but to learn more about yoga lifestyle.
Four weeks of lectures, sharing circles, asana classes. My awareness grew with the silence, especially during the barefoot sunset walks through the rice fields. Awareness about how tough I have been on myself. Trying to do everything perfect. Having all the answers about my life and the future right now. I realized I have lots of compassion for others, but so little compassion for myself.
A profession, a hobby, travels, food, friends, events. It felt all these ‘things’ were just a distraction. I was always trying to avoid silence and doing something. Because somewhere deep down, doing nothing was strongly connected to being worthless.
I wanted to confront myself with this, work on it. I stopped cooking special food, I stopped with some hobbies, I stopped working in a company, I stopped going to events, I stopped putting effort in seeing friends and organizing gatherings. Until the point I was very alone. And I felt very lonely, very lonely. And I felt worthless more than ever. And although I knew I could change it by doing ‘things’, I strongly felt I needed to deal with this emotion. This all happened in 2019.
About 2 months ago, Bali was calling me. So I went. A tiny side road of dealing with this emotion, maybe? I visited my yoga school Akasha from last year and joined a workshop of Mark Whitwell. He told us about how all is good as it is, that we are good as we are, to stop seeking. Coincidence? I don’t believe so. Neither that I got very ill for about 10 days after his sharing. To me, it was ‘someone’ telling me it’s alright. Telling me I am alright. That everything is fine just as it is. To feel whatever I feel. That it’s OK to feel worthless, to be sad about it. To cry about it. That’s needed in order to forgive anything or anyone, which played a role in this emotion.
I am ready to embrace all emotions. See them all as equal, all part of life. Not always looking for better, but being content with every single aspect of life as it is today. And with that also being content with every single aspect of myself as I am today. And love myself, the total package.