Bali. I am back.
Closing my eyes. My right ear listening to calming Balinese music. My left ear listening to the sounds of the traffic. Opening my eyes and being confronted with this emotion of restlessness. Anger comes up. My mind is creating solutions. To bypass this emotion. Do this, do that. But will these solutions truly solve my restlessness? Or is it something which I have do go through? Suffer, really feel the pain.
My wonderful Yoga Teacher Training of last year was hosting a workshop of Mark Whitwell yesterday. I met Mark last year for the first time, also joined a workshop. Did it really touch me back then? No. Yesterday it did. A lot.
He was telling us about emotional experience. This emotional experience also includes pain and anger. Only by allowing to ourselves to feel this, we get to grief. From grief, we get to compassion. Compassion towards people who hurt us. Compassion towards difficult events in our life. Compassion towards ourselves. And then: forgive.
We keep seeking for a solution. We keep escaping. I wonder if we can truly escape… More and more it feels that there is no escape. Whatever I do, it does not change this feeling inside of me. Mark said: “Stop seeking. Don’t be anywhere but just here with your emotions. Don’t look for a superior state. Looking for that makes us bypass what ‘experience’ actually is.”
This anger, pain I feel. Towards the people who teased me. Towards partners who hurted me in relationships. Towards jobs which made me really unhappy and burn-out. Towards my digestive problems. Towards the disharmony in my family. Towards my friends who are on a carreer, house and family path. Towards the consuming society. Towards myself not doing everything as perfect as I should have had.
I am telling myself every day: let go. Bypass this anger and pain I carry deep inside of me. But something inside of me is telling me I should not. But feel the anger and allow myself to grief, really grief. I don’t want to. It’s not nice, it’s not easy. It’s way easier to get a full-time job, distract myself with lots of activities. But I walked this path already many times.
Allowing myself to experience this pain. Pain is part of our emotional experience just like happiness. Is it something we forgot?
Let’s allow ourselves to feel pain.